Victim of Her Own Propaganda



Raise your hand if you’ve ever been a victim of your own propaganda?  There better be a lot of hands raised out there, because I know it happens.  A lot.  Here’s an example, you are having a hard time but when people ask you how you are…you happily say “fine”  but you’re not,  however; you’ve said fine so you decide to stick by that.  I could give you a thousand examples because I suspect it’s something we all do…particularly women.  “I’m fine”, “Nope don’t need anything”, “Sure I can do it”, “No problem”, “No, I’m not too busy”, “Of course you’re not a bother” etc, etc, blah de blah.

What’s the underlying issue here?  We don’t value our own time?  We’ve been taught not to complain?   Cause a fuss?  It’s easier to stay on the surface?  What is it?  I think it’s all of the above, and I think it’s an easy way to stay unconnected with ourselves.  Not only is the propaganda for others but it serves to keep us from thinking about our own feelings too much. I tell you what…there’s nothing like victimizing yourself.  That’s a crappy feeling. So whats the answer?  I think it’s just being aware and honest, at least with yourself.  Drop all the propaganda and just go with your feelings.  Would that be such a bad thing?


The Journey


I’ve spent the weekend trying to prepare, somewhat, for the hubs having surgery.  I was thinking (as I was vacuuming and trying to get ahead of the list of things I have to do) about journaling and blogging.

I’ve kept an art journal for about eight years now.They’re not meant to be pretty, or something to be left to future generations.  They’re meant as a way for me to work out what I’m feeling, thinking, obsessing over.  Taken as a whole they are also witness to my journey.  Yes, I’m going to come right out and say it….My spiritual journey.  My evolution as a growing, thinking, spiritual person.  I can see that I’ve been trying to make sense of the spiritual side of my life as I go about my daily, yearly, lifely tasks. (yes I know lifely is not a word, but it just worked in that sentence so don’t hate) . I,  and I suspect you too, try to glimpse the meaning of life while being immersed in the mundane.

Then the world of blogging came along.  It’s a way to put out into the world, your thoughts, feelings, and the challenges that you are working on in your life.  It’s one more connection, one more colorful thread out there in the ethernet.  More and more, I see people writing, and trying to make sense in a very public way of who they are and why they are here.  Each day bloggers are reflecting on their lives.  That right there is an amazing thing in this day and age of fast and speedy consumption.  A pause in each bloggers life to stop and take stock of where they are and where they want to be.  Maybe a return to a different rhythm, when life moved just a little slower and there was more of a connection with self.  I don’t know, but I like it.  It’s a little like writing letters to yourself, this blogging thing….and as often as not, getting a response.

So today while I’m worrying about the stuff my honey has to go thru tomorrow….perhaps one of you out there is reading this and sending good thoughts my way.  Just as I send them winging toward you when I read about your challenges.  Don’t think that doesn’t change the world we live in, because I can tell you I’m certain it does.  Count on it and take a moment to be grateful for the connection.  I know I am.

Life is, essentially, unsafe


I’ve been thinking a lot lately about those poor people in the Colorado movie theater.  They were just out to have a fun evening watching the newest movie, and disaster struck for them.   It was a perfect example of how your choices affect the world around you.  I’m grieving for those who were injured and the one who did the injuring.  Hurt people each and every one.  And as Oprah says…”Hurt people, hurt people.”  I have to say right upfront, I don’t watch the news.  I find it very oppressing.  It makes me anxious in ways that are too varied to describe.  I can tell you for a fact though, if you’re thinking of going on a news free diet…you don’t have to worry about being uninformed.  When there is a tragedy, especially then, people will make sure that you know about it.

My young adult children had wanted to see that movie.  Several went and the other said she would not ever go to see it.  She didn’t feel safe. I could sympathize with her.  But I’ve come to understand that we can’t really control our safety.  Oh we can certainly maximize it.  Eating right, exercising, not walking in downtown areas at midnight, locking doors.  But life, life is so dang seemingly random sometimes.  I mean, I know there is a bigger pattern and it’s lovely to know that, but sometimes that doesn’t help when you’re faced with the big fear.  I’m not sure what will help, maybe nothing in the moment.  But I do know that we have to enjoy moments of safety and be grateful for them when we have them.  And I also know that the opposite of fear is Love.  I know that too.

So, today, I will try very hard to revel in the moments of love.  I think that if at the end of your life…you can string many moments of love together like those little, sparkly christmas lights, more moments of love than fear or hatred….then your life will have been a bright and magical place.  Not a dark and scary one.  I think the light will brighten the dark so that when the dark times happen….you will be able to see what you need to see and overcome what you need to overcome.  And that might be the answer to feeling unsafe,  in the end.  Shining a light.

The World is Made from the Same Stuff You Are

Ugh.  Just spent about an hour writing a beautiful post and it disappeared!  so here it is as best I remember…lol

Someone told me once that we are breathing the same air as DaVinci and Buddha and even the first woman.  It made me dizzy.  Lots of things make me dizzy…quantum physics, roller coaster rides, the edge of the universe, etc. etc.  Years later I’ve begun to sort of understand this thought. It really means that we are all connected.  I am and so are you.  It’s sort of like looking at Bamboo.  An entire stand of Bamboo is really just one organism (another nifty dizzying thought).

If you follow this idea though, it means that I am connected not just with the earth and the air I breathe, but also I’m connected with the dolphins, the whales, the roses, and flowers, the birds,  majestic trees, the moon and the stars,  and with people.  Not just the ones I like, but with all of them.

It’s a thread that connects you with everyone and everything on this earth. We’re all entertwined .  The warp and weft of the thread is perfect because you are a part of it.  You,  in all your glory, with all of your faults and promise.  It would not be the same,  if you weren’t a part of it.  It’s taken me years to understand that and internalize it.  But once I know something, I find it difficult to not know it.  I really do think I have it, for now.  And this idea is simmering with me, below the surface.  So of course it comes out in my journaling.  I’m made from the same stuff as this world.  How breathtaking!

So…. hello world that I was born from and into.  Hello.

Red Headed Stepchild

Yes I know it’s politically incorrect.  I don’t even know where the saying came from because I, personally, would love to have red hair.  However; when I was growing up, this statement was used for a certain feeling.  A feeling like you weren’t as good as someone else, or you were left out of the good things when they came around. Raise your hand if you’ve had that feeling before?  Hey people raise your hand because I know we’ve all had this feeling. So what to do if you have that feeling?  In my case, you journal.  With pretty colors.

But also, it’s about realizing that we are all creating our own reality.  (I know that sucks right?)  But we are.  So none of us are redheaded step children.  We are all just children in the cosmic classroom sense.  Working and worrying our way on our path to knowing ourselves.  True story.  But not a popular one.

Waiting for Winter



ok, so I never thought I would say that. I’m actually maybe just wishing for Fall.  My all time favorite time of year.   I love the fresh fruits and vegetables of summer.  But, dang this has been a hot muggy summer.  Even for those of us in the mountains.  I feel equally sure that when winter rolls around I’ll be on here wishing for spring and summer…lol.  It’s the way we are isn’t it?  Always wishing for that next thing.  I try , daily, sometimes hourly not to do that.  And still I find myself waiting for fall and winter.  That’s the way it goes sometimes.  Sometimes you just want what you want.  End of story.

It’s ok to be..who you need to be


Do you take your own inventory periodically?  Ok, well I do.  This is where I think about the things I’ve accomplished (or not) in my life.  Here’s what stands out for me today.  Could be something different tomorrow. Depends on the mood.  But this is it for today..

I most definitely have helped some children find their way.  Evan and I have six children between us.  I love them.  But.. it was a big adjustment.  You know that part in the Grinch where his heart was six sizes too small?  Each child that comes into your life causes your heart to grow. Mine is six sizes larger than it was previously.  It had already grown significantly with the birth of my two children.  So it knew how to stretch. Then it stretched some more.  Hey your heart is a muscle, it can stretch and stretch is my theory.  Being a step mom is not the easy path.  Not gonna lie.  But it is ultimately so rewarding.  Have I been perfect?  That would be a big “heck no”!. But the point is in the trying I think, and the doing, day after day.  The building up of your patience muscle (yeah, it has to match your heart muscle) is an exercise that you get to practice regularly.    It’s not often that a day goes by without someone needing me.  To listen, to witness, to advise, to mother…to pay…lol.  My family tends to be really small and really sort of loners in some respects. In this family I’ve created and grown into…  I’m not often alone with my thoughts, especially during the summer.  You get to find an awful lot out about yourself and your abilities when surrounded constantly by younger people.  I wouldn’t change that for anything.  They’ve taught me so much about myself and mostly how NOT to be selfish. Ultimately it’s not about what we want….it’s about what we can do and give to someone else that makes our lives meaningful.  And they’ve taught me to question my beliefs that I somehow know what’s right for them.  Yep, theyve taught me to challenge that belief a lot!

I’m on a kick, recently,  to listen to the negative stuff in my mind and find out what the positive message is in that.  So in taking my inventory…although I may not make tons of money, drive the newest car, be the skinniest person(mainly because my heart is so dang be as positive in some situations as I should be, have the best trained dogs, the cleanest house, make the best art,  or even make all the right decisions every day, I know that it’s ok to be who I need to be.  I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing.  Finding my way, helping young people find theirs…just one positive turn around in the negative chatter.  Yay!

I brought the wrong “self”

I was just reading a blog about how as artists we often bring the wrong self to a situation.  There’s the artist, the editor, and the Agent.  Often when we fail at something it’s because we brought the wrong “self” to the situation.  You know, like bringing your really creative, artsy self to a business situation that calls for levelheadedness and being serious. Raise your hand if you’ve ever done anything like that!

I thought this was a good point about why it seems we can sometimes self-sabotage.  It’s definitely true that as creative people we have to wear a lot of hats.  Being a really good artist doesn’t necessarily make you a good business person and self promoter. Good thoughts to ponder blogworld.